Indoor Fireworks

Last week, I bought some of the season's last local figs, and I wanted to do something special with them. I had read something about pickling figs, which piqued my interest, but when I looked for recipes, I couldn't find one using whole figs. So, I decided to make something up. I did a refrigerator pickle with red basil vinegar, sugar, cinnamon, cloves, and a touch of balsamic. I sealed them up in their little jar, and waited to see what would happen. Tonight, I decided to try the result. They were lovely! The green skin had become brown with the vinegar, but the ruby-red interior was even more vivid, bursting with a tangy sweetness. That was a fun experiment.

Tonight, I am trying my first gluten-free baking attempt. I am making polenta-pear muffins from Karina Allrich's blog (http://glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com). Tomorrow is the formal beginning of my month without gluten test, though I have been eating primarily gluten free for the past week and a half. I met with my herbalism teacher on the 7th, and she said that she believes I'm gluten-intolerant, which is why I have digestive inflammation, pain in my muscles, and allergies. We'll see what happens. I'm taking it seriously, because if this offers a "cure" for my discomforts, it's worth learning to bake and eat differently. I gave away a loaf of beautiful pumpkin seed bread from one of my favorite bakeries. Today, I did eat a tea cookie at TBar, but since I was planning to eat wedding cake anyway, I let myself have that one small treat. (My cousin Julie got married today in Central PA outside in a state park. The reception was in a tent. I did not end up going because I got sick this week, and didn't feel that coughing all over the bride and groom would be a good wedding present. So, instead, I'm baking.) I bought a few different kinds of flours and baking supplies today, so we'll see what results...

I think I may chronicle my food journey here, because I'm trying to find a way to track what happens with this transition. Thanks, in advance, for listening, and for any advice you have to offer, if you've ever gone gluten-free.

Cherokee Purple tomatoes, Sun Gold cherry tomatoes, chocolate mint, basil, and two little hot peppers


I think it's soon going to be time to start canning! I already made some pesto and some mint chutney. I have been eating tomatoes for dinner every night the past week. I'm not complaining--I love tomatoes. I am the girl who planted ten tomato plants (for my own consumption). Silly. That's the only real explanation.

It's hard to tell what all that stuff is...
I have about 10 tomato plants, some green and purple beans, eggplant, beets, chard, oregano, basil, mint, calendula, zinnias, nasturtiums, clary sage, cucumbers, and some other stray plants.

I have had a hand full of sun gold cherry tomatoes so far, and they are DIVINE. In a week or two, I should have a lovely crop of Cherokee Purple and Tigerella and Ace, and I hope, hope, hope...some Black Krim tomatoes. I can taste the juicy goodness now...

I have really been missing Vermont. These are the folks I spent the weekend with last week. I have been trying to cultivate my forest mind here in Philadelphia, but unfortunately, my mind has been drifting toward the forest and longing to be back there. I am grateful to have been there...grateful to have gained some really good perspective on being where I am.

I don't know where this retreat will lead me. I feel like it has pointed me in a new direction, but it feels like that direction has not yet emerged. I am trying to be patient...It will all come together in time.

So, I need your help. Today, I was talking to a local lesbian icon from days gone by. This is someone who I have worked with only in an archival capacity, and who was totally shocked to find out that I had other interests besides archives. She and her late partner donated their massive collection of documentation about the early gay movement to New York Public Library, and now she is hounding me to send my resume to them for a processing position that they haven't posted. I told her I'd send it, but that I had to update it first. I told her this a week ago. Today, she asked me if I'd sent it and I said that I hadn't yet. Her response--"I think you are seriously undermotivated here....blah blah...New York Public is amazing, etc..."

Here's where you come in: tell me what you think. Am I undermotivated? Should I be plotting how to get this phantom job in New York where I can't afford to live? Should I be exploiting this connection I have and leave a job that is teaching me a lot and giving me adequate compensation?
Take the poll!

Poll #1206584 Motivation
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 2

Do you think I'm seriously undermotivated?

I just had the first salad of the season from my garden! It was yummy...spicy. All that is left in my garden are greens that are either spicy or bitter. The birds and I are having a bit of a battle. They like the sweet peas and tender butter lettuce. I'd like to try some of the peas and lettuce, but I can't beat them to it. I love birds, but I wish they'd share.

I hope you're all enjoying the unreasonably beautiful weather.

This morning, walking down Market Street toward work, I saw a few people look down at the sidewalk and pass along. I could see a vague lump of something there. When I got to that spot, I saw a female gold finch who had obviously crashed into the giant window above her and fallen to the ground. She was beautiful, and so I picked her up and carried her cupped in my palms until I reached the weird little monk cemetery next to this giant church. It was the only space of green I could find between Market Street and my work. It just doesn't seem right for a poor little bird to be swept up like trash, and so now she is resting with the holy ones.

I was amazed at the way her body at first felt like nothing, but the longer I carried her (only two blocks, really, the more I felt the weight of her tiny bones and flesh. I ran my thumb across her feathers during that walk, comforting myself and her departed spirit. I feel such a kinship with birds (well, who am I kidding, with all animals...)

After my second creative Sunday, I found that the film in my camera had not been advancing, so all of the effort and excitement I had put into doing my tree portraits was lost. A very sad day, indeed, as I was looking forward to working with them. I am hoping that it is not an issue with my camera. My printer's clogged up too, so I'm feeling a little frustrated with machinery right now (as if I'm ever at peace with it...).

still feeling hopeful about the creative time, though...

So yesterday was my first day of my creative sundays, where I have committed to spend the day doing creative activities. This concept came from a conversation I had with Voz when I visited recently. I was bemoaning my lack of focus and time spent doing creative work, especially given the fact that I have a lovely studio space in my house, and plenty of supplies to go crazy with. So, she suggested that I needed to just make the time (as she's probably suggested a whole bunch of times before). I thought about all the time I spend connecting with people, which is good, but also takes away from my time at home. So as a compromise, I decided that I'd spend one day of my weekend being social and doing activities that involve running around, and that the other day would be for creative stuff, whatever that looks like on a given day. Some days I may just want to bake bread and knit, other days I might want to paint. That's the great thing about having 5 million interests...you never run out of possibilities.

Yesterday was a lovely day, and I felt very positive about the things I did. I spent a bit of time preparing my space--sweeping up and moving things around, but then I got down to business. The first order of the day was conquering my fear of my sewing machine. I finally just sat down in front of it and put all the pieces in the right places, wound a bobbin and got to it. I only sewed some paper together, but the sewing machine is set up and ready for action. I then moved on to fusing a bunch of plastic shopping bags together to use as sewing materials. That was fun, though a little confusing when I started thinking about what kind of pattern I would create for my bag that I want to make with them. (After all, a shopping bag skirt seems a little ambitious right now, though I may get there yet!)

I took a break to bathe since I had to go to the first meeting of the artists' collective I just joined. We are planning a show in May, in which I will have a couple of paintings and some visual poems and I might make some books. I walked from the train to the meeting, which was about 20 blocks, and along the way, I was taking photographs of interesting things. Later, I walked to meet a friend who I was going to write with, and I started doing photographic portraits of trees. I can't wait to develop them!

I got home around 8:30 and that kind of ended my real creative day, but I still kept thinking about projects. I woke up yesterday with about 20 projects in my head, and I certainly will have a few Sundays before I use up all of them.

Anyway, It was a SUCCESS! I feel really proud of myself for doing it, for not taking the invitation to go to the beach or to go hang out with friends. I committed the day to my growth and happiness, and though I know not every day will be a blast, at least I know I have the ideas to fill the time. I look forward to another day to devote to wonder and openness. Thank you to Voz for helping me generate the courage to do this, and for offering the encouragement and support for my creative self. And thank you to all of you who have believed in my creativity even when I haven't.

Mark your calendars: I will be reading at Robin's books on Tuesday, June 24 at 6pm with Michele Belloumini. I'll also give details about our show in May when I have firmer dates to share. As far as I know, the opening will be Sunday, May 4 in the afternoon.

http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/20071112_A_treasure_trove_from_Cliveden_.html

Forgive the dumb quotes, and be sure to look at the "more photos" link. Some good images, at least.

Anyway, it will give you an idea what I'm up to at work these days.

i've finally gotten all of my boxes unpacked! the pictures i'm posting are in the unpacking stage, but you get the idea.


living room


kitchen viewed from living room


chloe doing a little light reading

i am really happy here so far, despite the minor kinks. i feel like i can relax finally. my neighbors are nice. the neighborhood feels calm. there are supermarkets nearby. THE CATS ARE HAPPY! i can have my studio space, meditation space, a place to read and listen to music, a writing corner... so much space! so much light! it's a lovely thing. i thank the heavens for this break from the madness.

I am moving in 3 days! I'm getting the keys tomorrow, so it is actually starting to feel real. I am so excited.

I think I'm in good shape. I have a few boxes of odds and ends to pack, have to manage coordinating people and times, and then load up and get out!
It's really happening.

I hope that Stella will stop licking all the hair off of her legs once we move. poor, neurotic kitty.

Garden plot early June



Garden plot mid-June



Garden plot late June

1. I got a job at the historical society of PA.
2. My garden is making me SO happy.
3. I've been painting again.
4. I'm applying for the PA Council on the Arts fellowship.
5. I'm looking into the future and making goals.
6. I've been drinking a lot of tea with Alex.
7. I'm exhausted.
8. I'm making beets and beans for dinner.
9. I've been processing a lot of old sadness and grieving for losses.
10. I'm trying to build the life I want, but am stumbling along the way.
11. I need to learn German and Latin.
12. I saw a butterfly today.

it has been so long since i wrote anything here, and i was starting to feel bad...
but since i can get wireless access at my garden, i am much happier about being on the computer.

so much has been happening in the last month, it's almost unbelievable...the main thing, i guess has been the deepening of the connection i have with alex. i have allowed myself this depth of feeling with only a few other people in my life, and while it has been challenging, it is also so lovely to be open and vulnerable and to find that i am still loved, despite the woundedness i feel inside. it's just happening so fast that it is hard to believe it is real, yet i know that it is very real, very true.

today, i have been gardening...i finally planted the tomato seedlings i started. i have five different kinds--bloody butcher, green zebra, tigerella, rainbow cherry, and some sort of random volunteer. i did companion planting with hot cherry peppers, basil, and mint. elsewhere in the garden, i have hyacinth beans, purple bush beans, and contender green beans. also, okra, which has yet to emerge; lettuce, which some creature has been eating; sunflowers; nasturtiums; calendula; beets; new zeland spinach; echinacea; and oregano. at home i have a few other seedlings--thai basil, and thai hot peppers. in my back yard, i planted (in containers) cilantro, lettuce, spinach, and nasturtiums. i hope to have a lovely assortment of home-grown food this year.

i am tired from the sun, but am so thankful to have this spot to create a little bit of peace in the city for myself. i really need it lately with all the stress of my job and being extra emotional since i went off my meds. i have been trying very hard to take care of myself, but it is always a challenge for me. i wish it were otherwise. i am learning, but slowly. tonight, i will do some cooking so i don't need to stress about spending money, which i am plenty tired of thinking about.

right now, i'm just enjoying the feeling of the wind on my skin and thinking about taking a nap.

Yesterday, I went out to my garden and got to work weeding and planting. It felt really good to be out there again, playing in the dirt, especially after going to therapy and leaving feeling sad.

Overall, it was a great day off. I planted beets, lettuce, nasturtiums (2 kinds!), dotted mint, holy basil, and calendula. I felt very happy to have done that work. Tomorrow is our first garden meeting, and I can get some more done, hang out in the beautiful spring air, and hope that my allergies give me a break.

Still have a sadness hangover from yesterday, and I'm hoping it will pass.

I can't believe it's almost April. I have not planted anything in my garden yet. I am feeling like I need to hurry up...especially on a day like today when the earth is ablaze. Apparently, the birds are having a good day today. I heard both my phantom hawk friend and my crazed crow friends while I was sitting in my office. It makes me happy, and makes me feel like something is happening...some signal is being released into the universe. I guess it's probably just spring telling me to get to focusing, planting, growing, weeding. I am using all of these as metaphors for my life lately, and I think it's very helpful.

*What seeds am I planting?
*What part of me is blooming?
*What excess do I need to prune?
*How am I growing stronger?
*What am I reaching toward?
*How am I feeding myself for growth?

All of this, of course, is filtered through my focus on remaining open to what comes to me, and learning from all of it, and still remaining open-hearted. I feel a lot of really rapid shifts in awareness, and I am trying to absorb what I can consciously. Other things are coming through my collages and my poems (and, by the way, I have added some new ones to my blog), and those things aren't as clear to me yet. I am seeing a new body of work developing, though, which is really exciting. I was feeling a little stuck there for a while, and am glad to be moving forward.

Just wanted to say that I finally gave in and bought a diva cup. I am so impressed with it. Cleaning it out at work with the push button sinks was not so good, but in general, I am very pleased. No more menstrual trash! Yay! AND I can't even feel it. Sometimes technology is wonderful.

I just read this thought-provoking article on my favorite blog Feministing:
http://www.alternet.org/sex/47779/ on the radical nature of love.
Given my preoccupations lately, it struck a chord.

reading launch for EOAGH: A Journal of the Arts, Issue Three: Queering Language

To see the journal: http://chax.org/eoagh/issue3/issuethree.html

Saturday, March 24th, 6pm to 8pm
ROBIN'S BOOKSTORE
http://www.robinsbookstore.com/
108 S. 13th St.
Philadelphia

hosted by Tim Peterson & CAConrad

Readers will include:
Dodie Bellamy, Kyle Conner, CAConrad, Jim Cory, Sarah Dowling, Maria Fama, Chris Gullo, hassen, Mytili Jagannathan, Anne Kaier, Candace Kaucher, Erica Kaufman, Kevin Killian, Janet Mason, Cathleen Miller, Ashraf Osman, Tim Peterson, Stephen Potter, Sina Queyras, Jason Zuzga

Dodie Bellamy will read the kari edwards editorial statment

We will also be reading the work of Alexandra Grilikhes and Almitra David

EOAGH Issue 3 - Queering Language was edited by CAConrad, kari edwards, Paul Foster Johnson, Erica Kaufman, Jack Kimball, Tim Peterson, and Stacy Szymaszek.

This online publication includes the work of over 100 contributors as well as editors' statements on this project.

The issue of EOAGH is dedicated to the memory of
kari edwards (1954-2006)
dear friend, mentor, colleague, crusader.